Got pwnt at Valentine's Day again this year? Did the girl of your dreams make you eat the humble pie? Well, life can be a bitch and so can real-life women. So next year, play it smart and don't let a fake marketing ploy of greeting card companies make you feel miserable. That's because we can always fall back on our videogame valentines, who are perfect in every possible (read anatomical) way. And unlike what's prevalent in real life, their bitchiness isn't directly proportional to their looks. In fact, they aren't high maintenance at all, and they sure as hell don't care about your bank balance.
Now that we have got mindless sexist generalisations out of the way, we can move on to the more pleasant part of the article - the continuation of our Videogame Valentines series. This is where you stop pretending to be politically correct and, in an act of unmitigated honesty, unleash the pervert in you. Yes, we all have one inside us; one that manages to fight its way out into guilt-free voyeuristic world of videogames, where anything goes, as long as you're a horny game programmer, who can hide the nude models from ESRB in the form of an Easter egg.
The more I look at the tropes of the gentlemanly kind, the more I am convinced that we all have a masochist hidden somewhere within our psyche. I mean, women love bad boys and so do men, with their morbid fascination for bad girls. Nothing can spell 'bad' like Catherine, and she has looks that can kill - quite literally at that. Not convinced about her bad girl status yet? Don't take my word, but hear what her official description has to say, "Catherine, a young girl [sic] whom seduces Vincent into a one-night stand. [she] Enjoys her free-will, and has no plans to marry or be stuck with one man for any length of time." Or flawless, in short.
Apart from the aura of hotness permeating her personality, Catherine is described as a "22-year-old woman, who has a charming face and a 'well-proportioned' body, which makes men turn and stare". She is fiercely independent and quite unconcerned about anything else with a pleasantly non-clingy, no-strings-attached attitude to relationships; much like a cat, if you must. I don't know about you, but that pretty much spells the perfect woman for any red blooded male out there.
Like always, there is a catch. She prefers to seduce men already in a relationship, so that makes most of us ineligible - that and the fact that her relationships don't generally tend to last. While that may spell awesome as per the The Bro Code, there's the small black widowesque detail that her relationships generally end with the death of the guy.
Then there's the rumour going around town that men who cheat are being found dead in their sleep. Is this a disturbing coincidence? Well, finding out sure will be fun, and even on the flip side, you'll at least die happy. Sounds like a win-win to me.
That's Catherine for you, and she's from the eponymously named game Catherine, which released two days ago for the PS3 and Xbox 360 platforms. We can't wait to get our grubby paws on that one, but will have to wait till Atlus releases an English dubbed version of the story driven action/adventure/puzzle game.