As gaming went mainstream and came increasingly under scrutiny, the feminists of the world decided to have a collective PMS meltdown over the size of Lara Croft's breasts. The question is why should they be smaller? Aren't games supposed to be an escape from reality? They indeed are, and that's why we are entitled to our fantasy of a perfect woman replete with gravity defying breasts and inhuman proportions.
When I play a videogame, I fully expect to run faster, jump higher and kick even more ass than I would in real life. If not, what's the point of putting your imagination on a leash? That's why we like our videogame vixens larger than life, and perfect in every imaginable way. If we wanted something realistic, we would have gone back to our nagging wives and girlfriends; at least the two of us, who actually know ladies in real life.
As for the shrinks trying to pull some Freudian theory to explain why we like to play as Blood Elves with bikini armor in World of Warcraft, that is most certainly not gay. But selecting a guy and then watching his ass for the next zillion hours, as you run around leveling beyond 60 - now that's certainly gay.
The next time you fire up Soul Calibur, don't be ashamed to select Ivy Valentine. There's a reason why the developers spent endless hours perfecting the boob physics. So without much ado, we present you the Videogame Valentines - the voluptuous vixens presented in all their perfectly proportioned glory - just like the
good lord developer intended it.
StarCraft: Ghost (Canceled)
Nova, or November Annabella Terra, has been a minor character in StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, but her debut game StarCraft: Ghost never saw the light of the day. Why do you ask? Well, just look at that image and you'll know why. With an ass that's perfect, I'm sure the developers squandered most of the development time and budget, crunching numbers to arrive on the perfect formula for that glorious arse.
However, when she's not blinding you with that posterior, she also happens to have psionic abilities. That means she can make your brain implode within your melon just by thinking about it. Yep, that's how we like our vixens - dangerous.
Soul Calibur series
Everything about this one is absolutely unholy, and that's mighty fine in our books. Ivy Valentine is the illegitimate daughter of an undead pirate Cervantes de Leon. Say what?! Don't worry, there's no necrophilia going on here, as pops became undead long after she was born. She is beyond doubt, the most curvaceous and well endowed in this list. Ivy isn't just pure hotness; she is one of the deadliest warriors in the Soul Calibur repertoire with an amazing reach, thanks to her segmented sword that transforms into a deadly whip of infinite wounds.
This graphical representation tracking her evolution should give you an idea how her hotness has been forged over a meticulously horny R&D spanning over four games. One wonders what Soul Calibur V will hold in store for us. Like my colleague Prasad postulates, the next game will feature her breasts as playable characters with their own back story. At the rate at which they are growing, that sounds perfectly plausible.
Tomb Raider series
An iron fist in a velvet glove - best captures the essence of Lady Croft. She is a rare blend of delicate beauty and ruggedness, of effortless wit and sarcasm juxtaposed to a strong and silent exterior, of aristocracy and sophistication. She is tempered by a no-nonsense attitude, and you realize that she isn't regarded as the first lady of gaming for nothing. Her gymnastic abilities and the architectural anarchy of the series make her more than a mere bimbo, because Tomb Raider games have always been about a cerebral puzzle experience.
Lara has seen the very evolution of gaming through her journey spanning well over a decade, and we have seen her evolve from a sparse bundle of polygons to the fully fleshed out character replete with a strong personality and back story that we have today. The polygons and the technology behind her may have changed, but having witnessed her through the entire span of her career, one can tell that there's something that has remained the same - her indomitable spirit and that wry British sense of humor. Let's hope the upcoming reboot does justice to her.